Fool Chapter 5

FIVEPITY THE FOOLKent vetoed, Cordelia disinherited, the king having given away(predicate) his proportion and power, precisely roughly important, my home, the White Tower the cardinal quondam(a) childs insulted by Kent, the dukes ready to cut my throat, well getting a gag might be a ch exclusivelyenge. Royal succession, it seemed, would not be a prudent subject to broach, and I was lost for a transition to slapstick or pantomime after Lears high drama, so Drool was further a millst unrivalled on comedys neck. I juggled apples and sang a slight song about monkeys while I pondered the problem.The king was, of late, leaning unimpeachably pagan, while the elder sisters favored the Church. Gloucester and Edgar were devout to the Ro objet dart pantheon, and Cordelia, well, she thought the safe and sound lot was shit and England should have her have church with wo manpower in the clergy. Quaint. So the high-minded comedy of religious satire it would beI tossed my apples roug hly the table and state, Two popes are shagging a camel behind a mosque, when this Saracen comes up T here(predicate) is only one, true pope shouted Cornwall, great mainstay of malignant smegma that he is.Its a jest, you wanker, give tongue to I. Suspend fucking perplexity for a bit, would you?He was right on, in a way (although not for the mapping of the camel bit). For the last year there had only been one pope, in the consecrated city of Amsterdam. But for the prior fifty years there had been 2 popes, the Retail pontiff and the Discount Pope. After the Thirteenth Holy Crusade, when it was contumacious that to avoid future strife, the birthplace of Jesus would be moved to a opposite city e very(prenominal) four years, holy shrines lost their geographic importance. There arose a great price war in the Church, with shrines go pilgrims dispensation at varying competitive rates. straight there didnt need to be a miracle declared on the spot anywhere could basically be dec lared a holy site, and often was. Lourdes would still sell dispensation coupons with the ameliorate waters barely also some bloke in Puddinghoe could graft some pansies and hawk, Jesus had a wee right on this very spot when he was a lad deuce pennies and a articulatio of Cardiff chronic ill get you out o purgatory for an eon, mate.Soon a social unit guild of low-priced shrine keepers some Eu band named their own Pope Boldface the Relatively Shameless, Discount Pope of Prague. The price war was on. If the Dutch pope would give you a hundred years out of purgatory for a shilling and a ferrymans ticket, the Discount Pope would let you out for two hundred years and send you home with the femur of a peanut saint and a splinter of the True Cross. The Retail Pope would mountain pass cheesy bacon toppings on the Host with communion and the Discount Pope would counter with topless-nun night for midnight mass.It came to a head, though, when St. Matthew appeared in a vision to the Retail Pope, vocalizing him that the faithful were more interested in the quality of their religious experience, not retributive the quantity. Thus inspired, the Retail Pope moved Christmas to June when the weather wasnt so shit for shopping, and the Discount Pope, not realizing the game had changed, responded by forgiving underworld altogether for anyone who gave a priest a authorize job. Without hell, there was no fright, and without fear, there was no further need for the Church to supply redemption, and more important, no means for the Church to modify behavior. The Discount faithful defected in droves, either to the Retail branch of the Church, or to a dozen different pagan sects. Why not get pissed and dance new around a pole all Sabbath if the worst of it was a efflorescence on the naughty bits and the dropping of the odd bastard now and beca drill? Pope Boldface was burned in a wicker man the next Beltane and cats shat in his ashes.So, yes, a two-pope joke was untim ely, but fuck all, it was stately times, and I sallied forth, for a bit So the second pope says, Your sister? I thought she was kosher?And no one laughed. Cordelia rolled her eyeball and made a raspberry sound.The pathetic one-trumpet fanfare dribbled, the great doors were propel open, and France and Burgundy ponced20 into the hall followed by the bastard Edmund.Silence, waste ones time, commanded Lear, with great superfluity. Hail, Burgundy, hail, France.Hail, Edmund the bloody bastard tell I.Lear ignored me and motioned for France and Burgundy to come out front him. They were both fit, taller than me but not tall, a few years south of thirty. Burgundy had dark hair and the sharp features of a Roman. France, sandy hair and softer features. Each wore s tidings and dagger that I doubted had been eer drawn but for ceremony. Fucking frogs.Lord Burgundy, said Lear, you have rivaled for the dedicate of our youngest daughter. What dowry do you require for her?No less than your hig hness has offered, said the dark poofter.Alas, that is no more, good Burgundy. What we offered, was offered when she was dear to us. Now she has roused our anger and betrayed our grapple and her dowry is no liaison. If you requirement her as she is there, take her, but there pass on be no dowry.Burgundy was stunned. He backed away, nearly stepping on Frances feet. Im sorry, then, sir, but I must tend to ripety and power in my prime(prenominal) of duchess.She shall have neither, said Lear.So be it, said Burgundy. He nodded, bowed, and stepped back. I am sorry, Cordelia.No worry, sir, said the princess. If Burgundys heart is wed only to property and power, then it could neer be to me truly. Peace be with you.I suspire half a sigh of relief. We might be driven from our home, but if Cordelia was driven out with us Ill take her said Edgar.You allow not, you blubbering, beetle-browed, dog-buggering dolt I may have accidentally exclaimed.You will not, said Gloucester, move his s on back into his seat.Well, I will have her, said the Prince of France. For she is a dowry in herself.Oh for fucks sakePocket, thats enough, said the king. Guard, take him outside and bring him until our will is done.Two yeomen stepped up behind me and seized me under the armpits. I comprehend Drool moan and looked oer to see him cowering behind a column. This had neer happened before nothing like it. I was the all-licensed fool I of all people could speak truth to power I am head teacher cheeky monkey to the King of Bloody BritainYou dont know what youre getting into, France. contribute you seen her feet? Or perhaps that is your game, put her to work in the vineyards crushing drink grapes. Majesty, the poofter means to force servitude on her, mark my words.But no one heard the last of it, the yeomen had dragged me from the room and held me in the hall outside. I desire to brain one with Jones but he caught the puppet stick and enclose him in his belt at the small of his b ack.Sorry, Pocket, said Curan, the professional of the guard, a grizzled bear in chain mail who held me by my right arm. Twas a direct order, and you were fast cutting your throat with your own tongue.not me, said I. He wouldnt hurt me.Id have said hed not banish his best friend or disown his favorite daughter before this night. Hanging a fools an easy leap, lad.Aye, said I. Youre right. Let me go, then.Not until the kings trading is done, said the old yeoman.The doors came open, fanfare trickled anemic through the portal, and out came the Prince of France, on his arm, Cordelia, radiant and wearing a grim smile. I could see her razz clenched, but she relaxed when she saw me and some of the fire of anger left her eyes.So, youre off with the frog Prince? said I.France laughed at that, bloody buggering French fuck that he is. Is there anything so irritating as a noble who in truth behaves nobly? Yes, I am leaving, Pocket, but there is one thing you must always remember and never for get Both at once?Shut upAye, milady.You must always remember, and you must never forget, that while you are the Black Fool, the dark fool, the Royal Fool, the all-licensed fool, and the Kings Fool, you were not brought here to be those things. You were brought here to please me. Me So when you put your titles aside, a fool still shall there reside, and now and forever, you are my fool.Oh my, you are going to do well in France they hold unpleasantness to be a virtue.MineNow and forever, milady.You may kiss my hand, fool.The yeoman released me and I bent to take her hand. She pulled it away, and turned, her gown fanning out around her as she walked away. Sorry, having you on.I smiled into the floor. You bitch.Ill miss you, Pocket, she said over her shoulder, and she zip cut down the corridor.Take me with you. Take us both with you. France, you could use a first-class fool and a great lumbering purse of flatulence like Drool, couldnt you?The prince shook his head, entirely too m uch condole with in his eyes for my tastes. You are Lears fool, with Lear you shall stay.Thats not what your wife just said.She will learn, said the prince. He turned on his heel and followed Cordelia down the corridor. I started after them but the captain yanked me back by the arm.Let her go, lad. adjacent out of the hall came the sisters and their husbands. Before I could say anything the captain had clamped his hand over my mouth and was lifting me off my feet as I kicked. Cornwall made as to draw his dagger, but Regan pulled him away. Youve just won a kingdom, my duke, killing vermin is a servants task. Leave the bitter fool stew in his own bile.She wanted me. It was clear.Goneril would not look me in the eye, but hurried past, and her husband, Albany, just shook his head as he walked by. A hundred brilliant witticisms died suffocating on the captains heavy glove. Thus muted, I pumped my codpiece at the duke and tried to force a fart, but my bum trumpet could feel no note.As if the gods had sent down a dim and gassy avatar to help me, Drool came next through the door, walking instead more straight than was his habit. Then I saw that someone had looped a rope around his neck, the noose fixed to a spear whose occlusive was almost piercing Drools throat. Edmund stepped into the corridor holding the other end of the spear, two men at arms flanking him.The captain havin a laugh with you, then, Pocket? said Drool, innocent of his peril.The captain dropped me to my feet then, but held my shoulder to keep me from going at Edmund, whose father and brother passed behind him.You were right, Pocket, said Edmund, poking Drool a bit with the spear for emphasis. Killing you would be enough to cement my inauspicious position forever, but a hostage theres a mute I can use. I so enjoyed your performance in there that I prevailed upon the king to provide me with a fool of my own, and look at his gift. Hell be coming to Gloucester with us to assure that you dont forge t your promise.You dont need the spear, bastard. Hell go if I ask him.Are we going on holiday, Pocket? asked Drool, blood branch to trickle down his neck then.I approached the giant. No, lad, said I. Youre going to go with the bastard here. Do as he says. I turned to the captain. channel me your stab.The captain eyed Edmund and the men at arms beside him, who had hands on hilts. I dont know, Pocket Give me your bloody knife I whirled, pulled the knife from the captains belt, and before the men at arms could draw Id cut the rope around Drools neck and pushed Edmunds spear aside.You dont need the spear, bastard. I handed the captain his knife and motioned for Drool to bend down so we were eye-to-eye. I want you to go with Edmund and dont give him any trouble, you understand?Aye. You aint comin?Ill be along, Ill be along. Ive parentage at the White Tower first.Shagging to be done? Drool nodded so enthusiastically you could nearly hear his tiny brain rattling around his gourd. Ill be helping, right?No, lad, but youll have your own castle. Youll be the proper fool, wont you? Therell be all kinds of hiding and listening, Drool, do you understand what Im saying, lad? I winked, hoping against hope that the git would get my meaning.Will there be atrocious fuckery, Pocket?Aye, I think you can count on it.shattering Drool clapped his hands and danced a little jig then, chanting, Heinous fuckery most foul, heinous fuckery most foul I looked to Edmund. Youve my word, bastard. But youve also my word that if any harm comes to the Natural, Ill see to it that ghosts ride you into your grave.A flash of fear showed in Edmunds eye then, but he fought it down and affected his unwashed swaggering smirk. His life is on your word, little man.The bastard turned and strutted down the corridor. Drool looked back, a big tear welling in his eye as he realized what was happening. I waved him on.Id have taken the other two if youd dirked him, said Curan. The other guard nodded in ag reement. Evil bastard was petition for it.Well, now you fucking tell me, said I.Another guard hurried out of the hall then, and seeing it was only the fool with his captain, reported, Captain, the kings food taster. Hes dead, sir. tether friends had I.